** Emotional intelligence (EQ), also known as emotional intelligence, is a concept proposed by psychologists in recent years, corresponding to intelligence and IQ. It mainly refers to a person's qualities in emotions, feelings, will, and tolerance for frustration. ** Previously, it was believed that intelligence level was the most important factor in whether a person could achieve success in life, meaning the higher the IQ, the greater the likelihood of achievement. ** But now psychologists generally believe that the level of emotional intelligence also has a significant impact on a person's success, sometimes even more than intelligence. So, what exactly is emotional intelligence? ** American psychologists believe that emotional intelligence includes the following aspects: First, recognizing one's own emotions. Because only by knowing oneself can one become the master of one's own life. Second, being able to properly manage one's own emotions. That is, being able to regulate oneself; Third, self-motivation, which can help people get out of the lows of life and start again. Fourth, recognizing the emotions of others. This is the basis for normal interaction and smooth communication with others; Fifth, management of interpersonal relationships. That is, leadership and management skills. Emotional intelligence is an ability that can feel, understand, and effectively apply the power and intelligence of emotions as a source of human energy, information, and influence. Emotional intelligence not only shows rational intelligence but is also wisdom from the human heart. Improving emotional intelligence allows us to learn to recognize and cherish our own and others' feelings—in our daily life and work, respond to them appropriately, and effectively apply the power of information and emotions. Emotional intelligence encourages us to continue exploring our special potential and goals, and inspires our deepest values and desires, transforming thoughts into practical life. The level of emotional intelligence, unlike intelligence, cannot be accurately represented by test scores; it can only be judged based on an individual's overall performance. Psychologists also believe that people with high emotional intelligence have the following characteristics: strong social skills, outgoing and happy, not easily falling into fear or sadness, more committed to their careers, honest, compassionate, rich in emotional life but not overstepping boundaries, and able to feel at ease whether alone or with many people. Experts also believe that whether a person has high emotional intelligence is closely related to education and cultivation during childhood. Therefore, cultivating emotional intelligence should start from a young age. We cannot predetermine IQ, but we can improve emotional intelligence. An outstanding person may not have high IQ, but must have high emotional intelligence. Improving emotional intelligence actually has simple and easy methods; you just need to persist. 1. Learn to set appropriate psychological boundaries, which is good for everyone. You may think that unclear boundaries with others are a good thing, so everyone can get along freely without intense bargaining. This sounds reasonable, but its disadvantage is that others often hurt your feelings without you knowing. In fact, if you observe carefully, you will find that people with poor boundary skills are prone to morbid phobias. They do not confront the intruder but prefer to confide in a third party. If we are the ones who invade others' psychological boundaries, after discovering the truth, we will feel like a cold-blooded fool. At the same time, we will also feel hurt because we blame ourselves for our mistakes and are angry that a third party is involved in judging us. Clear boundaries are good for everyone. You must understand what others can and cannot do to you. When someone violates your psychological boundaries, tell them to seek correction. If you always cannot draw clear psychological boundaries, then you need to improve your cognitive level. 2. Find a method suitable for yourself to calm down when you feel you are about to lose your temper, so that blood stays in the brain and you make rational actions. Americans once joked: When encountering things, rational children let blood enter the brain and can think smartly; wild children let blood enter the limbs, the brain is empty, and they are crazy and impulsive. Yes, when blood fills the brain, you are clear-headed and behave appropriately. Conversely, when blood flows to your limbs and tongue, you will do stupid things, be impulsive and irritable, and speak without thinking. In fact, scientific experiments have proven that when we become overly nervous under pressure, blood does leave the cerebral cortex, and we behave abnormally. At this time, the animal nature in the brain takes the lead, making us act like the most primitive animals. Remember, in a civilized society, acting like a primitive animal will bring big trouble. There are many strategies to control emotional outbursts. One method is to pay attention to your heart rate, which is an accurate measure of emotions. When your heart beats more than 100 times per minute, it is crucial to adjust your emotions. At this rate, the body secretes much more adrenaline than usual. We lose our minds and become aggressive crickets. When blood begins to flow to the limbs again, you can use the following methods to calm down: 1. Take deep breaths until you calm down. Slowly and deeply inhale, letting the air fill your lungs. Place one hand on your abdomen to ensure you are breathing correctly. 2. Talk to yourself. For example, say to yourself: "I am calming down." Or: "Everything will pass." 3. Some people use hydrotherapy. Taking a hot bath may let your anger and anxiety disappear with the foam. 4. You can also try the method of American psychologist Donna Eden: think of unpleasant things, place your fingertips on your forehead above the eyebrows, press your thumbs on your temples, and take a deep breath. According to Eden, doing this for a few minutes will bring blood back to the cerebral cortex, and you can think more calmly. 3. When you want to complain, stop and ask yourself: "Do I want to continue enduring this seemingly unchangeable situation, or do I want to change it?" For endless complaints, we call it nagging. Complaining consumes energy without any results, is useless for the problem, and rarely makes us feel better. Almost everyone finds that if you confide your grievances to a sympathetic third party, and they get angry with you, you will feel better. Someone says to you: "Poor baby." This is great comfort to you, and your stress seems to be reduced, so you can face the original situation again, even though nothing has changed. But if you do not complain, you will feel tremendous psychological pressure. Pressure is not always a bad thing. Yes, it may make you uncomfortable, but it is also the force that prompts you to change. Once the pressure is reduced, people tend to maintain the status quo. However, if the pressure is not lost in complaining, it will accumulate, reach a limit, and force you to take action to change the status quo. Therefore, when you are about to complain to a sympathetic friend, ask yourself: Do I want to reduce pressure and maintain the status quo, or do I want the pressure to continue and prompt me to change? If it is the former, then drive the pressure away by complaining. Everyone has times to complain; it makes us feel better temporarily. But if the situation really needs to change, make up your mind and take action! 4. Eliminate all things that waste energy. What is not conducive to improving our emotional intelligence? The answer is everything that wastes energy. Many people's nervous systems are like a father's hand with thick calluses. We have become accustomed to not noticing the consumption of energy. Energy is subtle, but it can also be felt with obvious changes. For example, when hearing good news, adrenaline surges, and when hearing bad news, we feel exhausted. We usually do not notice subtle energy consumption, such as being with a negative person or looking for a piece of paper on the table. What things in your life slowly consume energy? There is a small carpet in the corner of my house. Every time I see it, I think someone might trip over it. This is not a big problem, but it distracts me. This is how we define things that distract energy—after each contact, we feel energy is dispersed. Sometimes being with friends is the same—mutually absorbing and giving energy—but some are energy vampires; they only absorb your energy. At this time, there are two choices: one is to face the problem, establish psychological boundaries, and continue to interact cautiously; the other is to reduce interaction with such people. Indeed, we need to remove things that slowly waste energy, free ourselves to focus on improving our emotional intelligence. If you want to speed up, you can choose to reduce resistance or increase driving force. Try the methods we provide:

  1. Regularly list things that consume your energy.
  2. Systematically analyze the list and divide it into two parts: A. Things you can do something about. B. Things that cannot be changed.
  3. Solve the problems in list A one by one. For example, for me, hang the car keys on a fixed hook so I do not have to look for them everywhere.
  4. Look at the problems in list B again. Are you sure? Is there any possibility of moving some to list A to solve?
  5. Give up on the problems in list B. 5. Find a vivid role model in life. We have all experienced the era of learning from role models, who were noble and distant to us. So our enthusiasm for learning from role models gradually died out in the distance from them, because we know that we may never become great heroes in our lifetime. Yes, you cannot become a great hero, but you can become a happy ordinary person, such as your friend Danning, who is energetic, young, generous, smart, and interesting. She runs a gynecological clinic, serves as a company consultant, writes a regular column for a city newspaper, and has a handsome husband and a lovely daughter. Do you have such an outstanding person around you? Make him or her your role model! You can think: What she can do, I can too, but our styles are completely different, and I cannot accomplish what she does in her way. But I will imitate some things she does and complete them in my own way. From her, you can always see potential you never noticed. Find a role model among the people around you! They are smarter, better educated, higher level, and more persevering than you. You will naturally improve your emotional intelligence in the process of catching up with them. 6. Become a parent. Being a parent teaches you many things. When a child screams "Why don't you buy it for me? I hate you!" you cannot despair or rage; you need to understand him and accept the reality of extreme resentment. Remember, this is the best gift a child can give you, of course, this hatred should not last. Raising children is a win-win outcome. In the process of raising children, children learn how to get along with immature young parents. As parents, we smooth our edges in the process of suppressing our needs to meet the needs of our children. Raising children automatically improves our emotional intelligence and makes us more qualified parents. If you are unwilling to have children, try babysitting for friends. Getting along with children can truly improve our emotional intelligence. 7. Learn from difficult people. Around us, there are many people who are full of complaints, domineering, and pretentious. We wish these people would disappear from our lives because they make us angry, desperate, and even crazy. Why not round them up, buy a plane ticket, and send them to a small island where they will never bother others again? But it is better not to do that. These difficult people are helpers for us to improve our emotional intelligence. You can learn silence from talkative people, patience from hot-tempered people, and kindness from evil people, and you do not need to be grateful to these teachers. Moreover, the "difficult people" you define may turn out to be just people different from you, and for the so-called difficult people, you are also difficult. The most effective way to deal with difficult people is to be flexible. That is, discover their ways and be as flexible as possible to adopt the same ways in interacting with them. If this person likes to chat before getting down to business, your response should be to relax and chat about family. On the other hand, if this person is direct, you should also skip small talk and get to the point. This way, dealing with difficult people will be more efficient, and you will find that these people are not so difficult. The second point in dealing with difficult people is to treat them as gifts. Judy married a domineering man. Married life was full of ups and downs for her because she did not have clear boundaries. Years after the breakup, she learned to thank him because he taught her the importance of establishing and maintaining boundaries. Now when she meets such men again, she does not care at all. Judy said: "After living with him, you will not take these guys seriously at all." If she had married an easygoing man, she might still not have clear boundaries and would find it difficult to deal with those tough guys. However, if given a choice, perhaps we would never choose difficult people. 8. From time to time, try a completely different way, and you will broaden your horizons and improve your emotional intelligence. Are you an outgoing and extroverted person or an introverted person who prefers to be alone or with a few close friends? Do you like to plan every day in advance to know what to do, or do you have no plan? Everyone has their own preferences, and if given a choice, everyone would choose their preferred way. However, breaking the routine and trying the opposite action will help us grow more. If you always like to be the center of attention at parties, change it this time and try to let those who are usually unnoticed shine. If you always passively wait for others to talk to you, take the initiative to say hello. 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