---
title: "How to Communicate So Others Understand and Want to Listen?"
description: "“In the 21st century, what skill could be more important than maintaining a coherent, confident conversation?” This is a question raised by TED speaker Celeste Headlee in her brief 15-minute talk. Reflecting on this, we realize that communication ability might be the most overlooked and under-taught skill. We spend hours each day engaging with ideas, information, and others through screens, but rarely do we develop our interpersonal skills. How can we become good conversationalists? We certainly..."
author: "New Distribution"
publisher: "New Distribution"
email: "zhaobo258@gmail.com"
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published: "2016-11-27"
language: "en"
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original_source: "https://mp.weixin.qq.com/s/flX5bjzEJrX35xguJyutYQ"
translation: "https://xinjignxiao.com/zh/articles/%E6%80%8E%E6%A0%B7%E6%B2%9F%E9%80%9A%E6%89%8D%E8%83%BD%E8%AE%A9%E5%AF%B9%E6%96%B9%E5%90%AC%E5%BE%97%E6%87%82-%E6%84%BF%E6%84%8F%E5%90%AC-56cc4fd5.md"
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---

# How to Communicate So Others Understand and Want to Listen?

> “In the 21st century, what skill could be more important than maintaining a coherent, confident conversation?” This is a question raised by TED speaker Celeste Headlee in her brief 15-minute talk. Reflecting on this, we realize that communication ability might be the most overlooked and under-taught skill. We spend hours each day engaging with ideas, information, and others through screens, but rarely do we develop our interpersonal skills. How can we become good conversationalists? We certainly...

**“In the 21st century, what skill could be more important than maintaining a coherent, confident conversation?”**
This is a question raised by TED speaker Celeste Headlee in her brief 15-minute talk.
Reflecting on this, we realize that communication ability might be the most overlooked and under-taught skill.
**We spend hours each day engaging with ideas, information, and others through screens, but rarely do we develop our interpersonal skills.**
How can we become good conversationalists?
We've all heard advice like: look the other person in the eye, think of interesting topics in advance, gaze, nod, and smile to show attentiveness, repeat what you just heard, or summarize. 
But this time, Celeste Headlee argues that these techniques are completely useless and can be tossed aside. She brings us the latest and most practical ten tips on how to become a better conversationalist. Let's learn together!

**1. Don't multitask**
It's not just about putting down your phone, tablet, car keys, or whatever you have in your hand.
**I mean, be present, be in that moment.**
Don't think about your earlier argument with your boss. Don't think about what you'll have for dinner. If you want to exit the conversation, exit. But don't be half in and half out.

**2. Don't pontificate**
If you want to express your views without leaving any room for response, argument, rebuttal, or elaboration, go write an article.
**True listening requires putting yourself aside.**
Sometimes, that means setting aside your personal opinions.

**3. Use open-ended questions**
Let the other person describe; they are the ones who know the situation.
Try asking: "What was that like?" "How did you feel?" Because then, the other person might need to pause and think, and you'll get more interesting answers.

**4. Go with the flow**
Sometimes, when we sit with someone in conversation, we suddenly remember other things.
Then we stop listening. Stories and ideas will always come to you, but even if you can't stop them, don't let them linger too long in your mind.

**5. If you don't know, say you don't know**
People on radio programs are very aware that their conversations will be broadcast. So they are more careful about what they're experts in and what they assert.
**Be cautious in speech; conversation should be a responsible act.**

**6. Don't equate your experience with theirs**
If the other person talks about losing a family member, don't start talking about your own loss. If they talk about work troubles, don't tell them how much you hate your job. It's never the same.
**Every experience is unique. And more importantly, it's not about you.**
You don't need to prove how capable you are or how much suffering you've endured at that moment.
Someone once asked Stephen Hawking what his IQ was. He replied, "I don't know. People who boast about their IQ are losers."

**7. Try not to repeat yourself**
Reflect on yourself: do you often do this? Especially in work conversations or with children. We want to make a point, so we keep saying it in different ways, but it's not only ineffective but also impolite.

**8. Stay out of the weeds**
Nobody cares about the years, names, dates, and other details you're struggling to recall.
**They care about you.**
They care about who you are and what you have in common. So forget the details.

**9. Listen**
**It took us two years to learn to speak, but sixty years to learn to shut up.**
Most of the time, the more we talk, the farther apart we become, and the more conflicts arise.
In communication, most people are eager to express themselves, to get it all out, but they don't understand the other person at all.

**10. Be brief**
A good conversation is like a well-fitting miniskirt: short enough to attract attention, but long enough to cover the essentials.

**Source: LinkedIn, translated from Celeste Headlee's speech.**
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